Tag Archives: mid-life transition

Sermon Notes: The Spiritual Journey of the 40’s

Here’s the next “installment” of sermon notes from Grindstone church’s current series, “Understanding the Spiritual Journey.”  These are from my February 23rd message looking at the spiritual journey of the 40’s.

A Snapshot of Life in the 40’s

Paula D’Arcy: the 40’s are about “saving relationships.”

The 40’s is a “Hinge decade” of one’s life; decisions you make during this decade will determine the next 30-40 years.

Remember the wise and foolish builders in Matthew 7?  Often in our 40’s the “storms of life” really begin, and we find out what our foundation really is.

Specifically, in relationships.  Our 40’s is where the foundations of our marriage and key relationships begin to show.

Because of our social capital (wealth, education, support systems,) we’ve likely been able to navigate life fairly well through our 30’s.  But for many people the 40’s confront us with a new set of challenges that many people don’t feel prepared to handle.

When you talk to people about their 40’s, these are some of the common experiences of that decade:

  • Feeling like you’re being pulled in 100 different directions!  Exhausting! (sandwich generation!)
  • Discontentment or boredom with life or with things that have provided fulfillment for a long time.  Feeling restless and wanting to do something completely different.
  • As reflective space opens up, many begin questioning decisions made years earlier and the meaning of their life.  “What have I really done with my life?”  So there is confusion about who you are and where your life is going.
  • 40’s often struggle with disillusionment between with way things are vs. what they expected them to be.
  • Health stressors start (not indestructible!).
  • Often you’re raising teenagers in your 40’s (very stressful!

Taken together, all of these factors lead to many in their 40’s feeling like they’re losing control and that their life is unraveling.  Which is ironic, because in your 40’s you LOOK like you’ve peaked.  You appear to be strong to those around you.  But internally you feel like you’re in a very fragile place.

 

What are the major spiritual challenges?

THE Major Spiritual Challenge: Navigating the Mid-life Transition (Transition vs. Crisis!)

Jung/Rohr’s/Scriptures “Spirituality of Two Halves of Life”

-There are two halves to the spiritual life.  The “rules” for what leads to growth and maturity in the first half are different from those in the second.  And it’s usually in one’s 40’s that they begin to transition from a first-half to the second-half spirituality.  It’s not something you do, it’s more something that’s done to you.  You can’t control it, you just have to recognize it and lean into it.

And how you handle that transition is by far the most important challenge of the 40’s.

The first half of the spiritual life is defined by Rules and Wilfulness. 

The habits that lead to maturity and growth are:

  • Structure
  • Routine
  • Morality
  • Black/White thinking
  • Discipline
  • Hard Work
  • Ambition
  • Idealism
  • Self-control
  • Personal success

If these values and habits get embedded during the first-half of your life, you’re likely to be a healthy, maturing person into your 30’s.

Together these values act as a “Container” that allows you to go deep in  one place; to be rooted and grounded in healthy, productive habits.

The second half of the spiritual life is defined by Grace and Willingness.

 

The values of the first half aren’t discarded, but they are softened.  They just don’t matter as much.

They begin to give way to the 5 major characteristics of the second half of life

  1. Deep humility (lack of ego)
  2. Deep simplicity (lack of attachments)
  3. Deep faith (lack of control)
  4. Deep grace (lack of legalism/moralism)
  5. Deep generosity (lack of “personal success”)

 

“Jeff, is this biblical?”

For those who have eyes to see, yes!

Think about the general distinction between the Old and New Testament.  There does seem to be a more rigid, focused, disciplinarian emphasis in the Old Testament, while a more gracefilled, generous, loving emphasis dominates the New Testament.  Why?

Galatians 3:24 the law was our guardian/custodian until Christ came!

  • Servant whose responsibility was to accompany, protect, and sometimes discipline his master’s son until the boy reached maturity. These custodians supervised their charges’ moral conduct and general behavior. Their methods of persuasion varied from physical punishment to shaming. Paul regarded the Mosaic law as a “schoolmaster” (kjv) or “tutor” (nasb) to lead us to Christ (Gal 3:24-25).

Another level.  Think about the tension between Paul and Jesus.  Paul leans much more in this direction, and Jesus much more in this direction.  Some scholars even try to pit one against the other, framing things as if there are competing “kinds” of “Christianity.”  That misses the mark of what is going on.

Paul = first half of life teaching.  Makes sense, his mission focused on Gentiles!

Jesus = second-half of life teacher. Makes sense, his mission focused on Israel!

Key: Both halves are necessary for maturity in Christ! Jesus “full of grace and truth”

 

The 40’s is a time when the transition usually begins.  And the transition often begins in response to “a great Defeat.”  i.e. (usually a loss–friend, parent, child, job, marriage).  The loss of something integral to your identity.  It’s a defeat that confronts you with your limitations and powerlessness, often for the first-time.  Up to this point you’ve been able to leverage your social capital and growth, climb, achieve, and succeed.  But the great defeat puts an end to that.  The defeat forces you to confront things about your life that are neither easy or comfortable to face.  Some people choose not to face these things.  This leads to a mid-life crisis where they regress back into first-half of life values—only this time “harder” and “more determined.”  The results are always sad.

The major task of the this time in life is to recognize that a transition is taking place, and shift your life to align to these values and postures of the heart.

This is much easier for women to do then men (due to much better social support systems)

 

Jesus’/Scripture’s counsel to this demographic

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

40’s are an opportunity to take stock of which yoke you’ve been wearing.

40’s time to exchange that yoke for Jesus’, and to move deeper into God’s grace.  It’s a time to learn to enjoy God and create space for these

  • Deep humility (lack of ego)
  • Deep simplicity/generosity (lack of attachments)
  • Deep faith (lack of control)
  • Deep grace (lack of legalism/moralism)
  • Deep generosity (lack of “personal success”)

 

How do we navigate the mid-life transition well?

  1. Re-centring on the gospels.  Take on Jesus’ yoke!

How?

2. Practice disciplines of “secret defeat” (Andy Crouch).  These prepare us for the transition, and help us navigate the transition.  Found in Sermon on the mount.

  • Deep humility (Fasting)
  • Deep simplicity (Tithing/generosity)
  • Deep faith (prayer and contemplation)
  • Deep grace (repentance and restitution)
  • Deep generosity (joy in service to others—especially poor)

 

Practical Advice for the 40’s

Inner world/life is undergoing a huge shift! males = from outer world to inner female = from inner world to outer

So I want to address each individually.

Men: “There must be more to life than this.  There must be more to me than this!”

In 40’s, often realize what they’ve been chasing after doesn’t really deliver what they thought it would.  Men often discover they have lost their identity in their service of wrong things! (money, power, sex, ego, etc.)

All the titles and prestige don’t mean much.  Personal ambition starts to fade.

“What are you going to do with that tower?”

  • Men: From “making your mark” (striving and success) to relationships and reflection
  • A radical re-commitment to service and the common good is mandatory, while an increased attention to the inner life.
  • It can look like hesitancy, “giving up”, softening
  • From Warrior to King
  • Share your inner journey with someone

 

Women: “There must be more to life than this.  There must be more to me than this!”

Often, women have lost their identity in their service of good things! (family, relationships, etc.)

Women often transition from relationships and reflection to “making your mark” (striving and success).

Often the best Christian leaders and those making the biggest impact are usually second-half of life women

Husbands need to open up space for your wives to explore and expand

Women: it’s your time, get out there!

 

How can the church support those in their 40’s?

  • Acknowledging the mid-life transition and giving them tools.
  • Create spaces of lament (for The Big Defeat)
  • Be patient and gracious.  Life is exceedingly difficult in the 40’s due to interior shift.
  • Create safe spaces (small groups) where men can process The Big Defeat.
  • Create spaces for women to step into 2nd half of life calling/passion.

 

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